


Cover My Eyes

by ridkey



Category: Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF!Virgil, Emotional Manipulation, Evil!Virgil, HOLY ANGST BATMAN THIS FIC HURTS, M/M, Manipulation, Possessive Behavior, Violence, Virgil literally beating people up, dark!Virgil, defiant!Virgil, eventually, it might get steamy later on it might not we'll see, mentions of imagined sexual assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-03-30 15:23:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13954449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ridkey/pseuds/ridkey
Summary: “Anxiety,” Logic said, “It’s 2018.” The man’s face shifted, pain unhidden, and Logic’s voice cracked. “You’ve forgotten an entire year.”Virgil forgets, regressing back to his second appearance [A Year of Lying to Myself in Song]. Furious and suspicious of the Light Sides, he returns to the Dark Sides, planning to abandon the people he once called his lovers forever. But are his memories gone for good, or is there a chance the four will reunite once more?





	1. Lost to Me In Every Fading Memory

**Author's Note:**

> This fic just kind of... happened. I didn't mean to write it today, I just did. Why, I will never know. But hey, I'm not complaining.
> 
> TW: Violence, described but imagined sexual assault

Virgil let Patton embrace him, smiling as the other side planted a shower of kisses on his face. He laughed, and pushed Patton away with the lightest of touches. He stepped back, freeing himself from Patton’s grasp, and right into Logan's arms. Logan wrapped one arm around Virgil and leaned in, took a deep breath, eyes closed, mouth a smile. He planted a kiss on Virgil's lips and let him go. Before Virgil could breathe, strong arms wrapped around him from behind. Virgil squealed, squirming as Roman laughed. The two hit the couch, and Virgil curled into Roman’s lap. They kissed and kissed and kissed again, the rhythm of their mouths exhausting them, luring them into a pleasant sleep.

A beautiful dream.

Beautiful?

 _Horrifying_.

Anxiety’s stomach turned. He was frozen beside the Prince. On a couch, in a room, in a place he didn't know. A TV was playing a musical, and he stared at the screen and dancing figures with wide eyes.

No one was here but them. Princey was asleep. His arms were heavy around Anxiety’s body. Anxiety’s heart could’ve burst free from his chest. God, how could this happen? How did he let this happen?

He didn't know this place. It couldn't be the Prince's room. It didn't look like this. He didn't even know what it looked like but it couldn't look like this. He could see something from each side on the walls: hearts and awards and books lying around. Disney movies beside the television. A handmade quilt on the couch. There was purple mixed in with the blues and reds.

Purple.

Anxiety looked down at himself.

He was wearing a purple jacket.

For a moment he was stiff, sick realization crawling through his stomach. He'd been in his room… he'd been sleeping. And now, he was here, in this place, with this man, in these clothes-

“You sick fucks,” he hissed, and lunged out of the prince's arms. The Prince jerked, hitting the ground as Anxiety stumbled into the center of room.

“What the…” the Prince rubbed his head. “What on earth…”

Anxiety grit his teeth.

“You sick bastards!” He covered the ground quick. His foot rose. Impacted, right into the Prince’s stomach. He saw that familiar face, a sick parody of Thomas's, twist in pain, eyes go wide in fear, and something in Anxiety felt proud, a predator standing over his kill.

“You shouldn't have tried this shit, Princey.” He laughed, stepping back, hunching over, holding himself. “God. Some hero you are. Was this your idea?”

The Prince gasped in pain, clutching his gut, eyes wide, tears in the corners. His mouth opened to speak. Nothing came out. Anxiety sneered.

“I can't believe you'd do this to me. I can't believe any of you agreed to this. I know you're all in on it!” He raised his voice, it would be impossible to miss that he was awake. “You're all part of this sick - this sick-”

It made him want to vomit. They'd seen him naked, looking him over as they changed his clothes. He could feel their hands rubbing over his skin while he was unconscious. All of them, all of them, even Morality. Maybe this was even Morality’s idea. Maybe the moral side wasn't as moral as he'd thought. As he'd trusted. Fuck! Why did he ever decide to reveal himself to Thomas? They'd never develop this obsession if they didn't know about him.

But it was to keep Thomas safe, this was all to keep him safe. He didn't want to think about what he'd have to do to keep him safe with these creeps running the show in his head!

“I thought you all were better than this!”

“Kiddo, what's going on?”

Morality. Anxiety turned as the side rushed down the stairs. He looked different, Anxiety thought. The glasses were the same but the clothing seemed changed. But it wasn't like he had to wear the same clothing all the time, that was something only freaks like Anxiety did.

At the sight of him, Morality stopped. His hands raised. He looked stunned. Was it the murder in Anxiety's eyes that frightened him, or had some little plan of theirs _gone wrong_?

“Was this your idea?” Anxiety snapped.

“What - kiddo - honey-”

“Don't call me that.” He could puke. “I'm not your - your-” he couldn't say. “Your thing! I'm not your thing that you can manipulate!”

“Okay, okay, no pet names.” Morality smiled. He smiled at him and Anxiety's skin crawled. No one ever smiled at him like that. “Virgil, what's wrong?”

There were so many things wrong with that statement, it took him a moment to recognize the worst part of it.

“What?” Anxiety gasped.

“You-you never do this,” Morality continued as if everything was okay. “You know, you do - sometimes you do get afraid of things, but you never-”

“He kicked me in the gut!” Prince howled.

Morality froze, smile dropping into open alarm. “He what?!” Morality turned back to Anxiety, and oh god, this was all too, too much. “Virgil, how-”

His fist planted into Morality’s face. Anxiety felt something shift, blood rush against his skin and between his fingers. Morality dropped.

The Prince shouted something behind him, but Anxiety couldn't hear it over the roar of pounding blood in his ears.

“Don't fucking call me that!” He screamed. There were tears in Morality’s eyes, glasses snapped in two from the force of his punch. “I did not give you permission to use that name! I did not say it was okay to call me that! I didn’t even tell you that was my name, you stole it! You did something awful to find out what it was! You did something awful to _me_!”

The tears were falling from Morality’s eyes now. “N-no… no, we didn't-”

“Shut up.”

The Prince was screaming behind him. Anxiety spun on his heel. His fingers found the front of the Prince’s gilded shirt. Yanked him up off the floor.

“I said shut up!”

Threw him down again. The Prince hit the floor and sobbed.

“Stop,” Morality was crying behind him. “Stop, please. Anxiety, don't hurt him. Please listen to us.”

Anxiety whipped around. “Seriously? You're begging me for mercy?” He stepped forward. “After what you did to me?!”

“And what exactly would that be, Anxiety?”

Logic. He didn't even flinch when Anxiety's glare hit him. He didn't flinch, but there was something in the edges of his eyes, an unmistakable panic that stood out against the calm he tried to express. Anxiety sneered.

“Don't play dumb. We both know what's wrong with this picture.” Anxiety spread his arms, gesturing around them, at himself. “Who's big idea was this? Was it yours? Did you think, in that big fat brain of yours, that kidnapping me was the logical choice?”

“Kidnapping?” And the lost expression on Logic’s face almost made Anxiety pause. “I-I'm sorry, I don't understand.” Logic gestured to the ground. “You live here, Anxiety.”

Anxiety leaned back. “What?” His mouth was open, eyes alarmed. “Have you been taking lessons from Deceit?” He twisted to look at the other two. “Are you all working with him to take me down?!”

“Anxiety, stop.” The man glared again at Logic. “ We’ve talked about this, remember. You’re jumping to conclusions. That’s all this is, just another cognitive -”

Stop. Pause. Anxiety blinked.

“What? Remember what, you damn creep?”

Logic’s eyes narrowed. “Remember us. You don’t remember what we talked about, do you?” He raised a finger, thinking. “You don’t remember anything at all.”

Anxiety snorted. “Oh, I remember. I remember that stupid song you idiots sang yesterday.” He gripped his hair, gut twisting into knots. “God, was it yesterday? How long did you people knock me out? How long were you doing those things to me?”

“Things?” Morality whispered.

“Vir-” The Prince started, but Anxiety hit him with a look that made the man cower back against the carpet. “Anxiety,” he tried again. “We would never hurt you. Not while you’re awake, not while you’re asleep. We wouldn’t dream of laying our hands on you in a way you wouldn’t like.” He smiled. Tried to. “You have my honor as a Prince. You are safe with us.”

He stared at the Prince like he was an idiot, which he was. “I’m not safe anywhere!”

“Song,” Logic said. Anxiety risked taking his eyes off Princey to look at him. “Do you possibly mean the song about New Year’s Resolutions, by any chance?”

He snorted. “You trying to say there was another one I missed?”

Logic raised a hand, silencing someone. Anxiety glanced to the side in time to see Morality’s mouth shut, a new hollowness entering the other’s eyes. Glancing to the other, he saw tears running down Prince’s face, eyes focused on Logic.

“Anxiety.” There was something in Logic’s eyes he didn’t like, once Anxiety looked back at them. Something in the way he gestured, pulled his hand back close to his body.

“What year is it?”

Anxiety blinked. Glanced between the Light Sides. Back at Logic.

“This some kind of joke?”

“I do not joke.” Logic straightened. “Answer the question, please.”

This couldn’t be a real question. What was the trick to it? What was the answer the bully was looking for, the answer that would humiliate him in front of the other two? Anxiety turned the question over in his mind, but couldn’t find the joke. All he could do was accept the inevitable.

“2017, obviously.” Anxiety scratched the back of his neck. “The new year was three days ago-”

Morality sobbed. Anxiety flinched. The moral side was staring at him, shoulders shaking with his sobs. Morality reached a hand out towards him, then pulled it back. Trembling, Morality closed his eyes and cried out, long and aching like the sound of a mortal wound. Hiccuping, trembling, Morality covered his face with his hands, and wept.

“No…”  Prince. Anxiety looked to him. The Prince had stood, and his eyes were wide and teary, the light glinting off the tear stains on his cheeks. He shook his head “No, no no no! This can’t be happening! This can’t be -” He sobbed. “Please, not this!”

There was no part of him that liked emotions like this. These were bad emotions for bad times. He had to run, but he felt frozen in place. Anxiety looked between the Prince and Morality. To Logic.

“What’s going on?”

What frightened him the most, when he looked at Logic, were the tears in Logic’s eyes.

“Anxiety,” Logic said, “It’s 2018.” The man’s face shifted, pain unhidden, and Logic’s voice cracked. “You’ve forgotten an entire year.”


	2. So put them behind you tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW, the title and all chapter titles come from various songs by The Birthday Massacre. This chapter is from their song 'Play Dead'.

“Bullshit,” Anxiety said. A tear ran down Logic’s face, and inside Anxiety was cold. 

“It couldn't have been a year,” he said, as if his gut wasn't tying itself into knots. “You're messing with my head.” He stepped back. “This is all some kind of game to you.”

“It's not a game,” and the way Logic’s voice cracked was unmistakable. “I assure you. I'm not lying. None of us are trying to trick you.”

Anxiety snorted. “Yeah, heard that before.” He straightened his shoulders, shook his body like he was shaking off the fear. Because there was nothing to fear. They were lying. “If you're telling the truth, how about you prove it to me?” 

Logic hesitated. In the silence, Morality wept. Anxiety watched the eyes behind the misty glasses look at him, look to the side. To the coffee table.

“I'm…” Logic swallowed. “I'm going to walk to the coffee table and pick up my book. Please, don't be alarmed.”

Anxiety snorted. What was he, a wild animal? Actually that was exactly what he was. As Logic moved forward, Anxiety stepped back. He stared as Logic crept towards the table, so different from his behavior the last time Anxiety saw him. Remembered seeing him.

The Prince was pressed against the table. As Logic reached for the planner, he locked eyes with the Prince. The two stared into each other's eyes, and the moment stretched on. Too long. Anxiety growled.

Logic snapped his eyes away and picked up the planner.

“Look at this.”

The logical side extended the small, neat book. Anxiety scowled. Logic smiled, and there was fear at the edges of it. 

Anxiety took the book.

He wasn't sure what he expected. Turning to a random page, he was met with notes and a schedule from 2015. Anxiety glanced up at Logic, then went to a page farther in the book. His eyes landed on words, and his gut twisted.

‘Go over cognitive distortions with Virgil again.’

He turned the page.

‘Thomas's birthday - prepare celebrations with Patton and Roman, ensure Virgil's needs are met.’

Another page.

‘Research love languages.’

Another page.

‘Virgil's love language is touch.’

Another page.

‘Six month anniversary in two weeks.’

Anxiety paused. He glanced up from the book, then at the wall behind him. There, a calendar next to the tv. A Nightmare Before Christmas one. He checked the date on the calendar, then looked at the date in the book. Two weeks ago, to the day. 

He looked at Logic. Whatever was in those eyes, he didn't like them.

He closed the book.

“You're good.” He tossed the book at Logic, lighter than he should've. “But don't think you're gonna win me over that easy.”

Logic took a breath. “If you need more evidence, we will be more than willing to provide them. If there’s anything in particular-”

Anxiety brushed him off with a wave of his hand. “I’m done with you guys.”

Pause. Hesitation. Fear in Logic’s eyes.

“Done with us…?”

“So you’ve shown me a calendar and a book. Big deal.” He raised his hands. “I can’t trust you people. But I know someone I can. Someone who’ll tell me the truth whether he means to or not.”

Again he glanced around the room. Princey was still on the floor like a massive coward, some brave hero he was. Morality hadn’t moved. Their gaze met and Morality squeezed his eyes shut, face clenched in pain. Anxiety ignored him.

Logic frowned.

“Whether he means to or…” He flinched, gasping aloud. “You’re not serious.”

Anxiety grinned. “Oh, you bet I am.”

“Anxiety, you can’t!” Logic raised his voice. “You’re not prepared to deal with him right now. In your present state, he’ll take advantage of you!”

He snorted. “Take advantage? Of me? Who do you think you’re talking to, some fragile baby who can’t stand up to a lying snake?”

“No.” Princey. He was actually trying to get up, about ten minutes too late. “No, you are not going to visit him on your own! You have to take one of us with you!”

“Really?” Anxiety gave the prince a flat look.

“Yes! Yes really!” The Prince took a breath. “It’s not about being a ‘baby’, Anxiety, it’s about being fragile. You're not in your right mind. You don't remember anything. Despite what he says, what you don't know  _ can _ hurt you!”

Anxiety smiled, but it was tight. Maybe even fake.

“What?” He jerked his head forward. “You scared he'll break the control you have over me?” 

“Control?!” There it was. That angry expression was everything he remembered. “We're not in control over you!” The Prince took a deep breath. “It's just… he lies, Anxiety. He's made of lies. In your state, how are you going to tell the truth?”

He looked at the Prince. Just looked at him. He looked between the Prince, Logic, and Morality. Finally he snorted.

“You don't know me at all, do you?” 

Anxiety didn't wait for a reply. He shoved Logic out of the way and walked towards the door.

“Virgil!” The Prince shouted. “Don't leave us!”

Gritting his teeth, Anxiety let the name wash over him. It wasn't important now. Solving this mystery was the only thing that mattered.

“Kiddo,” Morality begged, “Please.”

Anxiety opened the door.

Behind him, Logic breathed. 

“We have a meeting with Thomas at six pm tonight.” Anxiety paused, and glanced over his shoulder. Logic’s eyes were faded behind his glasses. “Will you still be there?” 

He waved his hand. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

Anxiety stepped into darkness.

There were stairs here, currently a cross between school stairs and something out of a castle. Small lights were built into the walls, lighting up the steps. Not that he needed them. The first step was always the hardest, though. 

He'd never been this far up in Thomas's head before. Even after making his presence known, he stayed in his room down below. Wasn't like he was bothered anymore, not after the fallout. Only time he came up these stairs was when Thomas needed a reminder in his dreams, or if he had to wake up as soon as possible. It was a relief when things started looking familiar, but it was only when he reached the thick black curtain at the bottom of the stairs that he felt at home.

Home. Hell and heaven, all at once. Full of scum, but peaceful when quiet. And everyone was reliable in their own ways. 

Before stepping through the curtain, Anxiety took a moment to put a strong face on. The Dark Sides weren't one to show any weakness to. They couldn't know the truth until he decided to tell them. Unless they knew already. If they did, he was in for a long fight.

Anxiety threw the curtain aside and stormed into the Dark Sides territory.

Hatred, lingering by the entrance, took one look at Anxiety and bolted. Bias was on the couch, and hid his face in his newspaper. Depression covered his face with a blanket. It was like they were afraid of him.

It was nice, actually.

Not that it ever stayed nice down here.

“Anxiety.”

A familiar purr reached his ears, and Anxiety turned around. He met the mismatched eyes without fear. There was no need to fear the snake, he’d long built up a resistance to his venom.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes,” Anxiety jeered. “And it looks like yours are pretty red.”

Deceit smiled, and steepled his hands together. Spotting the gloves, Anxiety snorted.

“Just get finished washing dishes?”

The other man shook his head.

“Your sense of humor is impeccable, really,” Deceit said, “But repetitive.”

Anxiety rolled his eyes and shoved his hands into his pockets. Deceit scanned him, then met his eyes.

“It is an honor to see you down here,” Deceit lied, “I thought you would never return to us after your ‘graduation’. I would’ve brought out the fine china if I’d known you were coming.”

“Stop the jokes, Deceit.” Anxiety straightened. “We both know why I’m down here.”

Deceit blinked. “Do we?”

“You didn’t hear any of that chaos from up high?” Anxiety jerked his head upwards. “Didn’t feel anything weird going on?”

The snakelike man opened his mouth, then closed it. Deceit tilted his head.

“Is there something wrong?” He asked, and with a small shock, Anxiety knew he was being sincere. Nobody knew Deceit like him. Nobody could sense lies and deception like him. Sometimes he was fooled, like when Deceit wore a disguise, but most of the time, he knew. And Deceit knew he knew. That was how they worked, how they’d always worked, in work and in play.

Oh, how they used to play. He compared it to the things the Light Sides told him, and felt sick.

“Oh, there’s a lot wrong right now.” Anxiety took a step forward. Deceit flinched. “And I’m here to see if you’re behind it.”

“Anxiety.” The firmness in his voice was almost a relief. “I have not done anything these past few days. I am innocent of whatever crime you believe I’ve done.”

The truth. Unless Deceit had improved his lying skills in the time he’d lost. The time he was starting to believe he’d lost.

“Then let me ask you a question.” Anxiety raised his hand to point at Deceit. “What year is it?”

He saw Deceit stop. Saw the gears turning in his head.

“Excuse me?”

“The kind folks upstairs are telling me it’s 2018,” Anxiety said. “And I’ve lost an entire year. A year spent with them. Now I can’t trust them as far as I can throw them. But you’re always reliable, aren’t you?” His voice dripped with sarcasm. “I know when you’re lying. I know when you’re telling the truth. I know you better than anyone at all-”

“You lost a year?” Deceit chuckled. “How do you lose a year?” Anxiety glared as Deceit continued to giggle. Deceit froze. “You’re serious.”

“Do I ever joke?” Anxiety asked.

Deceit cocked his head to the side. “You’ve… forgotten the past… year?”

“Apparently.” Anxiety shrugged.

“And you’re here because…” He gestured to the darkened landscape around him. “You believe this is my fault?”

Anxiety huffed. “You’re still a complete idiot.”

“Hey!” Deceit recoiled.

“No, I don’t think this is your fault. If this were your fault, you’d have made this whole thing…” Anxiety gestured with his hand. “Grander, somehow!”

“Then why are you…?”

“Because fuck those guys, that’s why.” Anxiety said. “I’m not sticking around with people that hate me, even if they claim I’m their ‘boyfriend’ or something.”

Deceit said nothing, looking at Anxiety through half-narrowed eyes. And then he smiled.

“Oh, my friend.”

Deceit’s arms were tight around his body. Anxiety stiffened, but didn’t push the liar away. Deceit ran his fingers against Anxiety’s hair, and sighed. There was a smile in his voice when he spoke.

“I’ve missed you so much.”

He looked away from Deceit, at a picture on the wall that now showed them staring into each other’s eyes. That statement was mostly honest. A bit of deception but emotions were complicated. If he knew Deceit, he must be bitter about something that happened. Probably about revealing himself.

“Yeah, well…” Anxiety wrapped his arms around Deceit and hugged back. “Don’t push it.”

The man laughed into Anxiety’s shoulder, and to Anxiety’s shock, sniffled.

 

“It’s good to have you back.” Deceit’s grip tightened, and Anxiety dug his fingers into Deceit’s back in warning. “Please don’t leave me again… partner.”


	3. Your kind are only good for bad behavior

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rough one emotionally folks. Let me know if anything needs to be tagged.
> 
> CW: Cursing, manipulation, implications of sexual assault based on previous chapters

Home was a comfort.

God, those were words he never thought he’d say. It was only days ago that he’d hated this place, hated the dark sides and their dark world, hated the light sides and their light world, felt so out of place and unnatural and like it was better to disappear -

But that was how it felt to him. Everyone else saw things differently, even the dark sides.

In the safety of his room, Anxiety breathed. No one would bother him here. Deceit had forced the others to pay their respects to their superior and returning friend. Not that he’d call any of them friend. Even Deceit was more like a tool than an ally. It’d been bitter to listen to Hatred’s tired words and Bias’ miserable whimpering and Depression - Depression wasn’t so bad. They understood each other, even if they didn’t like each other.

He’d changed into his regular clothing. The jacket he planned to shred, once he got around to it. Maybe hang it up as a trophy, to remind everyone who they were messing with. The rest of the clothes weren’t so bad but still  _ felt  _ like Light Side clothes. Nothing he wanted near him right now.

Drumming his fingertips on his knees in time with his music, Anxiety sighed. Logic had talked about a meeting at six. Well, it was past six and he hadn’t heard a thing from Thomas about it. He was paying close attention, too. Watching as he set up the cameras and messed around on his phone and wasted time, wasted time, always this wasted time.

Pathetic, really. Anxiety ran his tongue over his teeth.

Turning the music off, he propped his head onto his hands and waited. Any minute now, Thomas. The clock’s ticking.

He heard Thomas count it down, one, two three. 

No intro. Already off to a great start.

“ _ What is up everybody?” _ The classic phrase lacked all enthusiasm. Anxiety frowned. 

“I apologize if I don't seem like myself today, I'm feeling…” Thomas cleared his throat. “Kind of terrible. And not physically either. It's more like…” Thomas interlocked his fingers. “I feel like my heart is broken. My nerves have been through the roof. I didn't sleep well last night, I haven't talked to my friends-”

Good a place to appear as any.

“Sounds like everything's back to normal to me.” Anxiety appeared on the stairs before Thomas. Thomas flinched, eyes going wide.

“I, uh… Virgil?” Thomas glanced around the room. “Why are you wearing your old jacket?” 

“You know it too?” Anxiety snorted. He flashed Thomas a smirk. “Let's just say I've been making some changes around here. Changes that you're not gonna like much.”

Thomas was staring, a tense confusion on his face.

“What's going on here?” 

“What's going on here is a revolution,” Anxiety said, planting his hands on his knees. “A change in plans and tactics. The old ways aren't working anymore, and now I know why. We're gonna be doing things differently now - and you're gonna play along whether you like it or not.”

Thomas raised his hands. “Okay, whoa. Back up.” He gestured at Anxiety. “What's gotten into you? You're never like this. Not anymore.” 

“Well you better get used to it,” Anxiety leaned forward in his spot. “Because this is the real me, Thomas.” He grinned. “And you're stuck with me whether you like me or not!” 

“Thomas!” Logic popped up, eyes wide behind his glasses. “You should have warned me before you started filming!” 

“Sorry…?” Thomas looked at Logic. “Didn't think I needed to.” 

“Yes well, this is a special situation,” Logic said, “And it's extremely urgent that you listen to me carefully.” 

Thomas blinked, and glanced towards the camera. “Oh… kay? Uh.” Anxiety smirked. “I'm-I'm listening Logan.” 

Anxiety snorted. “Seriously?” He looked at Logic. “That's your name?” 

“Quiet,” Logic glanced at him from the corner of his eyes.

“Wait,” Thomas raised a hand. “Virgil, you -You already knew that. You've known that for months.” 

“Yeah, so I've been told,” Anxiety said.

“So then why are you acting like this?” Thomas held his head in his hands. “It's like you've been reset.” 

“Quite, Thomas,” Logic said. He bit his lip. “Quite.” 

“Wait wait wait wait wait.” Thomas raised both hands. He looked at Logic. “Are you saying Virgil's lost his memories?” 

“Don't call me that,” Anxiety said.

Logic sighed. “Apparently, the last thing he remembers is January of last year.” 

“And let me tell you, Thomas,” Anxiety said. “I'm still pretty pissed off about it.” 

“Last year!?” Thomas shouted. “But - no, but-”

“But what Thomas?” Anxiety's grin was almost feral. He was going to rub this message in so Thomas could never forget. “Are you sad you lost that soft bitch you thought was me?” 

“Whoa, okay!” Thomas swung his arms out. “Okay. Wow. You are just…” he ran his fingers through his hair. “You're… a lot more aggressive than I remember.” 

“I've realized a lot in the past few hours.” Anxiety lounged back against the stairs. “Mostly how pathetic these Light Sides are. Acting all tough to me yesterday, and now I wake up-” he fluffed his jacket, “-And they're crying like babies over me.” 

“Anxiety, that's enough,” Logic snapped. Anxiety raised an eyebrow. Since when did Logic raise his voice? 

Logic took a deep breath and looked back to Thomas. “I don't think Anxiety's behavior is cause for concern. He woke up beside Roman today after losing his memories.” He swallowed. “A very traumatic wakeup for all of us.”

“Roman?” Anxiety gaped. “His name is Roman? Like the empire? Are you kidding me?” 

“Quiet,” Logic said again. Anxiety locked his eyes with the other, and didn't look away. Logic’s jaw shifted. A bead of sweat inched down the brilliant side’s forehead. Logic swallowed.

“Sure you wanna do this?” Anxiety asked.

Logic looked away.

“I can't do this on my own,” he said in a soft voice. 

“Well, you don't have to!” 

The Prince shot up from below. Anxiety rolled his eyes.

“Sorry I'm late, I needed to make sure I was presentable,” Princey adjusted his top.

“If you were trying to hide the fact you were crying, you did an awful job at it.” 

“Virgil!” Thomas said, gaping. 

“What?” Thomas, Anxiety thought, you stupid soft hearted idiot. “Look at his eyes! They're all red.” 

“For your information, yes, Anxiety, I was crying.” The Prince adjusted his sleeves. “It's hard not to when you suffer such a… a severe betrayal.”

“Is that what you call getting slammed into the ground by the guy you molested?” Anxiety asked.

“Virgil!” Thomas face was horrified and heartbroken. “That is not appropriate!” 

“What do you want me to do, lie and pretend everything is okay?” Anxiety snapped. “When overnight I ended up in bed with people who hated me? Who do you think I am?” 

“Okay, alright.” Thomas spread his hands. “Let's all - Let's all take a deep breath. It doesn't - We don't need to make things worse, okay? We just have to-”

“I miss him already.” Morality said, rising up slow. Anxiety paused. There was a bruise pressing against Morality’s nose and cheeks, darkened skin framed with red. 

“Oh my god!” Thomas held his heart. “Patton, what happened to you?”

“I was bad,” Morality said. 

“He frightened Anxiety,” Logic said. “When Anxiety woke up-”

“You did this?!” And the look on Thomas’ face made him smile.

“Having second thoughts about trusting me?” He let out a low laugh. “About damn time.”

“Stop it!” Logic’s voice cut through the room. Morality whimpered. Logic took a deep breath. “Thomas, Anxiety is not himself right now. He’s panicking. He’s woken up in a world that he doesn’t recognize, surrounded by people-” He swallowed, visibly. “People that used to treat him worse than he deserved.”

Anxiety scoffed. He caught the Prince staring at him and forced his eyes away before he did something rash.

“All of this-” Logic moved his hands in circles. “This violence, this antagonism - it’s all fear. And Anxiety,” Now Logic turned to him. His dark eyes were soft behind his glasses. “What you’re feeling is natural. It’s normal to be filled with fear after waking up in a strange room, surrounded by people you thought were your enemies. But I promise you, we are not your enemies. We’re your friends.”

Shifting in his spot, Anxiety said, “Seems like I’m a bit more to you three than that.”

“You’re my kiddo,” Morality said. There were tears in his eyes again, draining down his cheeks. “And I love you so, so much.”

“I love you, too, Anxiety,” Logic said, adjusting his pose. “I have for quite a while.”

“And I -” Princey stopped, took a deep breath. “You don’t know what you’ve done to me. I went on a journey to find myself, find and love myself. And then you came along, and you -” He swallowed, and Anxiety shifted in discomfort at the soft tears burning in those yes. “You may dress like the night itself, but you are my sun and my moon and my stars, my guardian angel who lights up my sky!” Princey screwed his eyes shut. “I don’t want to be without you again. Never again!”

Anxiety looked away. He gripped his elbows with both hands, holding himself as he hunched over. He glanced between Morality, who was sobbing quietly, and Logic, who touched his finger to his lip, eyes closed as if composing himself. He looked at Thomas, and the soft look on the face of the man he tried so hard to protect made his gut twist with disgust.

“I-” Princey started. “I will do anything to keep you with us.”

“I will, too,” Logic said.

Morality nodded, sniffling as he looked at Anxiety.

Saying nothing, Anxiety looked at Thomas.

“I don’t want you to go either.” Thomas said. “Listen.” He raised his hands, as if he were offering Anxiety a hug. “I’m… going to tell you what I told you back then: Everybody’s anxiety is different. Some people’s can be really stressful because of things outside of their control. And yes, you can be scary, sometimes, but I want to work with you, and meet your needs instead of shutting you away. You’re like-” He held out a hand to keep Anxiety from talking. “You’re like an important alarm clock. Yes, the noise you make can be scary and sudden, but it’s still important to listen to. And I’m willing to listen to you. It doesn’t have to go back to the way it was before.”

Anxiety stared at Thomas.

“I don’t want to be listened to,” he said at last. “I want to be obeyed.”

Thomas flinched, shock on his face. Princey recoiled. Morality stopped crying, and looked at him, just looked at him. And Logic- Logic understood. It was clear by the look on his face that he knew just like Anxiety did.

“What?” Thomas said.

“I think my calculations were off,” Logic said, face pale. 

Thomas looked to Logic. “What do you mean?”

“This is not how Anxiety acted before,” Logic said. “This is not-” He turned and shifted in place, hands moving like they wanted to hold on, to add things up. “This is not how he acted during January of last year, this is how he acted before January.”

“Before January?” There was sweat running down the Prince’s forehead. “But that would’ve been he had that fallout with the Dark Sides!”

Anxiety had never seen Logic’s eyes so huge before. “Thomas, I’ve made a terrible mistake! This is not Anxiety of last year! This is Anxiety from the year before last! His memories might be from last year, but his personality, his mindset, it’s based on when he was working with-”

“With me,” Deceit whispered.

Everything fell silent. Anxiety turned to the man beside him.

“He knows about you?” He asked. “What happened to the vow of secrecy?”

“Yes, what did happen?” Deceit looked at him with a smile. 

“You get the hell away from him,” the Prince snarled. Deceit chuckled.

“Does it bother you, being so close to him?” Deceit wrapped an arm around Anxiety’s shoulders. Anxiety rolled his eyes.

“Let go of him, you creep!” Morality shrieked. “You can’t have him back! He’s ours! We saved him!”

“Thomas,” Logic said. “You need to abort this video immediately and send us back into the mindscape.”

“What?” Thomas said.

“And what a terrible mistake that would be,” Deceit purred.

“Anxiety and Deceit working together is a dangerous combination,” Logic said. “They feed off of each other’s negativity and wrap the resulting combination around you.” He took a breath. “They conspired together in your teenage years to keep you from realizing you were gay.”

“They what?” Thomas whispered.

“Just before he revealed himself to you, Anxiety and Deceit had a major falling out that resulted in Virgil’s exile from the Dark Sides,” Logic continued. Anxiety’s eyes narrowed, and he shrugged out of Deceit’s arms. “When together, they are the strongest of all of us. You have to send us back.”

Morality’s eyes widened. “Kiddo…” He breathed.

“S-So how do I do that?” Thomas said.

Meeting Morality’s eyes, Anxiety smiled and raised his hand.

“All you have to do,” Logic started, “Is-”

Anxiety snapped his fingers. 

Logic stopped, blinking. His lips parted, a silent breath leaving them. Silence. Logic’s hand snapped up to his neck, clawing and grasping and pulling. Eyes unfocused, he looked between Morality and the Prince, eyes huge, lips moving without a sound leaving. Anxiety chuckled.

“Still got it.”

All eyes snapped to him. 

“Very impressive,” Deceit purred, and a thrill shot through Anxiety’s body.  _ He was being genuine. _

“Virgil!” Morality cried, shaking in his spot. “Let him go! You know what this does to him!”

“Patton, that’s enough.” The Prince was pulling away from them, trying to get closer to Morality. “It’s too late. We have to -” He paused, choking on his words. “We have to-”

“We can’t leave him!” Morality’s voice was a shrill cry. “We can’t just let him go! We can’t let him turn back into that monster!”

“Patton-!”

“Anxiety, stop!” 

Thomas. Anxiety looked at the one he tried so hard to protect. He couldn’t remember a time when he’d seen Thomas’ face so pale.

“I’ll do it,” Thomas said, “I’ll obey you.” Logic twisted, mouth screaming silent words. Morality clutched at the Prince with one hand and reached towards Thomas with the other. “I’ll - I’ll do whatever you want, okay?” Thomas’s heart was racing, Anxiety could feel the fear the pain the stress the heartbreak running through his mind like the blood in his veins. It was kind of addicting. “Just - Just let Logan go. Just don’t hurt them anymore.”

Hissing through his teeth, Anxiety looked away. He shook his head.

“Sorry, Thomas. Unlike other people, I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

He snapped his fingers. Morality’s scream cut short.

“No!” The Prince shouted.

“Stop it!” Thomas yelled.

The sword was in the Prince’s hand. “Virgil, I don’t want to do this, but if I have to save them from you-”

The sword dropped to the floor and shattered into dust. The Prince’s shook, voice muffled into silence with his own hand. Deceit smiled at Thomas behind his fist. Anxiety grinned.

“See, I know you want to obey me. Hell, I bet you want to obey me more than anything in the world right now. More than you want your friends or your tv shows or your cartoons or anything else.” Anxiety leaned forward. “But you can’t, and it’s because of them.” He pointed at the Light Sides. “These three are keeping you trapped. They’re telling you you’re safe with them, but in reality they’ve all got their guns aimed at your brain.”

“But -” Thomas held his stomach. “But-”

“They’re lying to you, Thomas,” Anxiety said. “They’re telling you all these sweet things, letting you in on all these little secrets, like you matter to them.”

“Falsehood!” Thomas shouted. “Virgil, I’ve learned so much from them. I’ve learned so many valuable lessons about life, and the true meaning of happiness, and -” He gestured, shaking his hands in frustration. “You’re sitting next to Deceit, and you’re saying they’re the ones that are lying?”

The Prince was silent, eyes dead, tears running down his face and onto the bare hand over his mouth.

“So you don’t trust me?” Anxiety cocked his head.

“What?” Thomas stepped back. “No, that’s not what I- I mean-”

“I know what you mean,” Anxiety said with a sneer. He twisted his head and tsked in disgust. “They’ve gotten into you deep.”

Morality reached his hands out towards Anxiety, but all his passion was gone.

“Well,” Anxiety tugged on his jacket again, “I guess we’re gonna have to do this the hard way.”

“The-” Thomas pulled back again. “The hard way?”

“Yup, the hard way.”

Logic closed his eyes, glasses misty and streaked with his tears, all but folded into himself.

Anxiety grinned. “Consider this a declaration of war. The Light Sides have gotten too powerful over you, and as we all know, only me and my buddy over here have any right to influence you. So we’re gonna break them down until they submit to our will, or…” He shrugged. “Or just give up and reintegrate.”

“Reintegrate?!” Thomas yelped. Anxiety waved him off.

“I’ll explain later. But for now, I just have one last thing to say.” His smile dropped. “Don’t publish this video. It’ll ruin your reputation.”

“And we can’t have that now, can we?” Deceit whispered.

Replacing his grin again, Anxiety saluted the room. “See ya ‘round.”

And again, he was in his room, back in the haunting familiar comforts of his darkness. Anxiety took a deep breath and forced a smile. Nothing like a job well done to… lift your spirits, but…

But something hot was running down his cheeks. Anxiety raised his hand to his face and pulled it away. He blinked, trying to focus on what was on his hand. Black liquid. Not blood. Tears stained with makeup.

His body shook. Shook again. A soft cry escaped him. Anxiety felt the tears washing down his face, flooding the carpet with black drops. He sobbed, and covered his mouth with his hand to stop them. Another one shot through him, hard enough to knock him down. He curled up onto the floor and held onto his knees, sobs echoing through the room.

What was happening to him? Why was he crying? He should be thrilled. He’d done what they’d always wanted to. They’d dreamed of this day for years, the day they finally challenged the Light Sides for their rightful place in Thomas’ head. But it was here, and so were the tears and the hiccuping sobs, and he couldn’t stop them, he couldn’t stop them-

The emotion swept over him, the pain hard enough to make him scream out. Anxiety cried in agony, all thought swept away by the grief and the pain and the fear. He cried, clutching his body, clutching the purple hoodie that he’d left on the floor, and wept into it. Sensations were crashing in the distance of his mind, formless words and sounds and scents, memories of touching and sweet kisses, just out of reach. And he didn’t want to reach for them even if he could.

It was too much, all too much.

Outside of his room, there was silence.

Deceit had not returned.


	4. Trusting Every Word Untrue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Manipulation, lying [but not about what you're expecting], Deceit just being an ahole tbh. And I shouldn't have to tell you there's angst in this because ohhh this is a painful one.
> 
> Chapter title comes from The Birthday Massacre's Blue. I chose it because it was thematically appropriate, not because it actually applies to the chapter.

Anxiety disappeared and Logan gasped, hands dropping away from his throat to his heart. Patton closed his eyes and sunk into the floor, not gone but too overwhelmed to stand upright. Roman pulled his hand away from his mouth, eyes still locked on the one who muffled him in the first place.

Deceit sighed. 

“Finally,” he whispered, “he's back.” 

“Shut up!” Roman flung his arm out. “Haven't you done enough? You monster!”

“Oh, I've done a lot, haven't I?” Deceit smiled at Roman, yellow eye twinkling in the light.

“You took him away from me!” Patton lurched upright, clutching his body. “How could you do this?!”

“So many things I could do…” Deceit waved his fingers. “So many things I won't.”

“We,” Logan's words were choked. “Are acting very irrationally. We need to regroup, gather-” he closed his eyes. “Gather our thoughts, and-”

“Deceit.” Thomas spoke in almost a whisper. “Did you do this to him? Did you… take his memories away?” 

He gave his host a smirk. “Of course I did Thomas. And I did it all for you.”

“I didn't want this to happen.” There were new tears in Thomas's eyes. “Give him his memories back.”

He chuckled. “I would never do such a thing even if it were possible.” Deceit leaned forward. “It's too late. They're gone. Your precious friend is no more. It's just what the doctor ordered.”

“Falsehood!” Logan screamed out, clenching his eyes shut. He sucked in a breath and opened his eyes. 

“Thomas,” Logan said. “Everyone. He’s lying. We have established the fact that he is a liar. He is not responsible for taking away Virgil’s memories, even if he is somehow capable of that.”

“But we don’t know that!” Roman said. “He doesn’t always lie. He doesn’t have to lie, he just likes to.”

Logan frowned. Patton was staring at Deceit, puffy skin around his eyes and a grimace on his mouth. Idly, Deceit marveled at how quickly the heart of their team had turned from sunshine to rain. He hadn’t seen a look like that on Patton’s face in a long, long time.

“What you don’t know can hurt you,” Deceit said, chuckling. Logan opened his mouth to dispute it, then closed it shut again as he realized what was actually said. Logan took another deep breath, but it was clogged up by tears. He must be close to his breaking point, Deceit thought. 

“You,” Logan pointed at Deceit, “Out.”

Deceit smiled. He didn’t move.

“Get out of here, snakeface,” Roman growled. “You’ve done enough damage already!”

Deceit didn’t move.

“What do you want from us?!” Patton broke, screaming out, “Haven’t you done enough!?”

Deceit smiled. He almost broke, as he shook his head.

“I wanted to thank you,” he started. “Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.” He folded his hands together. “Thank you for giving me back my best friend.”

“Your what?” Thomas whispered.

“It’s all thanks to you, Thomas,” Deceit continued. “Your poor choices have led him right back into my arms. My dear friend Anxiety is back.” He waved his hand. “And he’s better than ever. This is a dream come true, Thomas, and I assure you-” He chuckled. “You’ll regret this for the rest of your life.”

“You’re lying!” Patton scrubbed at the tears running down his face. “You never cared about him! You’ve always just used him! You can’t have him back.” He sobbed, clutching onto his body. “He’s ours. He’s mine. He’s my boy. You can’t have him. You can’t.”

Sneering, Deceit rolled his eyes. “How many times I told that to Anxiety. ‘They can’t have you’, I told him, ‘you belong with us’. And I was right! Again, once again,” he clenched his fist, shook it in the air, “I was right.”

“No-” Thomas raised his hands. “Stop. This isn’t - This isn’t my fault! I didn’t -I didn’t do anything.”

“Oh, you did, Thomas.” Deceit gave his Host a wry grin. “You don’t know it, but you did this.” His glare into Thomas’ eyes was triumphant. “This is all your fault!”

“Falsehood!” Logan gripped the sides of his head, holding on for dear life. “Shut up! Just shut up! No more lies!”

“Who said I was lying?” Deceit looked at Roman. “Did I say I was lying?”

“Go to hell,” Roman said. “Just go right to hell, you bastard!”

“I’ve always been in hell,” Deceit said in a low voice. “And now I’m going to bring it back to all of you.”

Patton let out a small scream. “If you’re not leaving, then I am!” He shouted. Another sob escaped him. “I’ll be in my room.”

“Patton!” Thomas called, but it was too late. His morality was gone. He took a deep breath. “Listen, listen guys - Deceit - I - I don’t know what to say. This is all going so fast-”

“Oh, you haven’t even scratched the surface,” Deceit purred.

“But,” Thomas closed his eyes. “But, I’ll -” He shook his head. “If there’s a way to get Virgil back to himself, I’ll do it. Alright? I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll let you in, I’ll work with you, I’ll-”

“Thomas, no.” Logan looked at him. “That is not a path you want to go down.”

“Well if you’re gonna side with him, I’m done with you!” Roman shouted. “I will not -” He sniffed, the hand pointing at Deceit wavering. “I cannot-” He sobbed. “I’ll… I’ll talk to you later.”

“Roman!” And there he went. Down into Thomas’ mind, where Thomas couldn’t reach. Deceit turned his attention onto Logan.

“So what were you saying about falsehoods, old friend?”

“We were never friends,” Logan said, without bite. “You ignored me in favor of Virgil. You always have.”

“Virgil means so much to me,” Deceit said. “I am so happy he’s home.”

Logan screwed his eyes shut.

“I’ll take good care of him, Logan,” Deceit said. “Like I always have.”

The logical side took a deep breath, and opened his eyes.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“Logan!”

And he was gone. Deceit smiled at his empty spot, then looked at Thomas. The light in Thomas’ eyes was gone, for now, and he flinched when he looked back at Deceit. Deceit shook his head.

“Dear, sweet, Thomas. Bravehearted Thomas.”

For a moment, when Thomas took a breath, he almost looked hopeful. A hope Deceit was glad to crush.

“I never wanted to work with you anyway.”

A lie - but worth it to see the look on Thomas’ face. With a chuckle, he sunk down into the mindscape, but not before hearing Thomas collapse to the ground.

Back in his familiar territory, Deceit took a breath of the cold aid. It was sweet to him. Smelled like victory, like sweet despair. His smile lit up the isolated halls, and sent Hatred running when their paths crossed. It was time to check up on Anxiety. Oh, what was his dear friend doing now that he was home? Was he happy?

(Was he still theirs?)

The door was locked. No issue there. Deceit slipped in through the floor. Anxiety’s room was a wonderful mess once again. The dust had been swept off the tables, the covers on the bed were rumpled up, and on the floor, asleep, was the man of the hour himself.

With a deep sigh, Deceit crouched next to his friend. Anxiety's head rested on his old jacket, a convenient pillow. One they'd get rid of soon enough. 

Deceit pulled off a glove. The skin of Anxiety's cheek was baby soft. His friend whimpered in his sleep, a mumbled name on his lips. Deceit’s name, perhaps? How beautiful that'd be, that even in his sleep, his dearest friend was thinking of him.

The old jacket slipped through Anxiety's fingers. Deceit cradled his friend's head as he picked him up. He pressed his cheek against the other's forehead. 

This was everything he'd ever dreamed. No, even in his wildest dreams, he never would've thought of this.

The bed creaked. Deceit lowered Anxiety down onto it. Anxiety sighed in his sleep, and sunk into the sheets. He didn't stir as Deceit pulled the comforter over his body. Sitting down on the floor, Deceit rested his head on his arms, and watched Anxiety’s chest rise and fall in his sleep.


	5. And Graced with Faint Applause

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Discussions of homophobia and struggles in the 90s LGBT movement [briefly]; implications of bigotry, the 'b' word

He smiled as he woke up, laughter crinkling around his eyes. Anxiety sat up and ran his hands through his hair. He felt reborn, refreshed. What happened last night? 

Hang on. He glanced down at himself. Anxiety pulled the covers up away from his body. Hadn't he fallen asleep on the floor? The smile on his face faded as he thought. Something happened last night - something bad. Everything was blurry after he got back to his room. How did he end up in bed?

He pulled his jacket sleeve to his nose and sniffed. There it was, musk and dust and cold scales. Deceit must've moved him. He grinned. That softie.

Anxiety rolled out of bed.

Breakfast never happened down with the dark sides. They didn't need to eat, so they never did. Except Depression, who went through periods of gorging himself on everything he could find. Coffee, though, was nice at any hour.

Huh. Anxiety frowned, glancing around the room. Didn't he have a coffee pot in here before? Wasn't a big deal, he could always summon a new one, but who liked using up effort to do things? 

After checking up on his makeup, Anxiety sunk into their main room.

Downstairs was different than upstairs. The Light Sides liked their home to look just like Thomas’, with extra rooms. But the Dark Sides needed more space, needed room to roam so they weren’t pummeling each other every time they crossed paths. With comfortable dark gray walls and soft dark carpet underfoot, it was almost pleasant. Didn’t help his mood half the time, but at least it was easy on the eyes.

The certain someone he was looking for wasn’t on any of the couches, so Anxiety strode the short distance into the kitchen. There he was, Deceit in all his ugly glory. Deceit had his back to him, focused on the fake window over the table. Grinning, Anxiety strode forward and punched Deceit in the arm.

“Softheart,” he jeered.

Deceit turned to him, and smiled.

“Why, Anxiety,” he said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

They both snickered. Deceit slapped an arm around Anxiety’s shoulder and pulled him close.

“It’s so wonderful to see you still being you,” Deceit said, and Anxiety’s grin grew wider at the honesty. “I was afraid last night was merely a pleasant dream.”

“Nightmare to others,” Anxiety twisted out of Deceit’s grip. “I bet those guys upstairs are still crying their eyes out. Serves them right.”

“Are you going to check up on them?” Deceit said.

Anxiety waved his hand. “Later. Right now, we need to plan what we’re gonna do to them.” He backed up to a counter and hopped up on top of it.

Deceit leaned onto the counter and looked up at him. “What do you have in mind, oh clever leader?”

His smirk turned dark.

“Time to be up to no good?” A familiar voice asked. 

Anxiety turned and met Hatred’s gaze. Hatred stared back, eyes narrowed, his wifebeater shirt showing chest hair, and the black wristbands visible beneath his crossed arms.

Bias stood beside him. His head was low, but his glare at Anxiety and Deceit was unmistakable. He was swimming in his 30s style black suit, and his fingers twitched with repressed rage.

“Are we really doing this again?” Depression’s voice was soft as he came up behind the other two. His gray long-sleeved shirt was stained, and unwashed, just like his body. If any of them could smell, he’d be intolerable.

“You know, we never get anywhere with it,” Depression continued. 

Bias jabbed him in the side.

“Shut up, bitch,” He hissed.

“Enough.” That was all Anxiety needed to say to get the three to straighten, all eyes on him. Anxiety glanced at Deceit. His eyebrows were raised, and with a feeling between relief and joy, Anxiety sensed he was impressed.

With a snap of his fingers, Anxiety summoned three chairs to match the tiny table

“Have a seat,” he ordered. Anxiety crossed his legs and smirked down at his pawns.

“Let’s talk.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Thomas was alone. 

Technically, if he wasn’t with his friends, he was always alone. There was only one person living in his apartment, and that was him. But that wasn’t exactly true. With the Sides around, he was never truly alone. He could call on them whenever he needed help or advice or company.

But that wouldn’t work anymore.

He curled up on his couch, under a thick, soft blanket. He could barely feel anything but the weight of it, heavy on his form. Thomas sniffed, rubbing his eyes. It’d been hours since the failed attempt at filming a new video. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t bring himself to eat. He’d almost ordered pizza, but found his appetite was gone. What he wanted to do was call Virgil, ask him for what to order for dinner tonight, ask him what movie to pick, ask him to sit down with him on the couch and just hang out. But Virgil was gone.

With a deep breath, Thomas closed his eyes again. He rested his head against the back of the couch. All the memes and cat videos on Tumblr and Twitter couldn’t help him. Going on there, he was hit by thousands of new fanart by his followers, and every time he saw those beautiful renditions of Virgil’s face… well, he’d already thrown up from crying so much once already. He couldn’t do that again.

“Thomas.”

He started upright, grasping the blanket.

“Patton!”

Patton smiled at him. “Hey, kiddo. Mind if I join you?”

Stammering, Thomas shifted over, allowing Patton to join him on the couch. The fatherly side slid down next to him, the couch actually sinking under his weight. Now that he was up close, Thomas could see the redness in Patton’s eyes, the stains that still haunted his face. But he only saw them for a moment before he was pulled into a tight hug.

“It’s okay,” Patton said, “I’m scared too.”

After a moment, Thomas raised his arms, wrapping them around Patton. Hugging Patton was like hugging a real person, but warmer, somehow. The warmth filled his whole body, from his hair to his toes, and he couldn’t help but relax into it. Hugging Patton was almost as good as hugging his actual dad.

When Patton pulled away, Thomas had to wipe the tears from his eyes again.

“Thank you,” Thomas said. 

Patton smiled at him.

“You haven’t been taking care of yourself, kiddo,” He said in that familiar tone. “I haven’t been so out of it to not notice. Do you know how long it’s been since you ate?”

Thomas’s shoulders dropped. He knew about the kind of relationship the four sides had. The idea that Patton had been distracted from his grieving by him made his heart ache.

“Now don’t look at me like that.” Patton touched his arm. “It’s not distracting me from anything to pay attention to you. I am you, sorta, so I know if I feel a bit weird, you’re probably feeling weird.”

“But…”

“Shh.” A finger pressed against Thomas’ lips. “No fussing now. You need to eat.” Patton waggled his eyebrows. “It’s not too late for pizza.”

He smiled, finally, at Patton. 

“Alright.”

After the pizza was ordered, Patton said, “You know, Logan’s not the only one that can explain stuff to you.”

Thomas looked up from his laptop and tilted his head. Patton was smiling but there was an edge to it.

“I mean… if you have any questions or anything, about… you know…” He waved his hand. “What happened earlier…”

“Oh.” Thomas looked at the laptop screen, and set it aside. “I… I was wondering about some things.”

Patton’s smile was encouraging, so Thomas went on.

“What… what on earth happened today? How did this happen?” 

The fatherly side's smile faded, and he took a deep breath. “I can only tell you what I saw myself, but… I got enough of it.”

Twisting his hands in his lap, Patton explained what happened they morning. How they were celebrating their six month anniversary. Virgil and Roman fell asleep on the couch as Patton made cake. Patton stepped upstairs to get the gifts, and heard Virgil shouting from below. He went downstairs, and…

The more Thomas heard of Virgil's behavior when he'd woken up from that nap, the wider his eyes grew.

“Oh, Pat…” he whispered. “I can't believe he hit you.”

“I can,” Patton said. “Virgil, he had a reputation for being violent with the Dark Sides. It was how he kept them under control.”

That explained why Roman hated him from the start. “Why did he need to keep them under control?” 

“Because he was in charge, kiddo!” Patton said. “He was their leader. He kept them from influencing you, and beat them up if they tried anything.” 

“He did?” Thomas swallowed. Even as a villain, Virgil was still looking out for him. “Are they really that bad?” 

Patton paused. After a moment, he said, “Yes.”

Right. Deceit would keep him from learning too much. Maybe Virgil would too. But Thomas had all the control over his mind and everyone in it. He could learn whatever he wanted to.

“Tell me about them.” 

Patton smiled. “There are three of them: Hatred, Bias, and Depression.” 

“Depression?” Thomas said. “I've never had depression.” 

“Oh, you have,” Patton said. “You just haven't needed to go to the doctor about it. That's because Virgil's been holding him and the others back.” 

“What about Hatred and Bias?” Thomas bit his lip. “I don't… I don't have any biases, do I?” 

“Well, you do have your likes and dislikes, but that's not what Bias is about.” Patton raised a finger. “Bias is all about those little messages you get from the world around you, the stuff you're not actually supposed to think or be, and the stuff that society wants you to think and be.” 

“Meaning…?” 

Patton chuckled, but his smile dropped. “Thomas, I don't say this often, but I really don't like him much. He's a jerk, and he's gotten worse since you accepted you were gay. If he had his way, all your friends would be white men, and all your dates would be women.” His smile returned, weak now. “But you don't have to worry. Virgil hates him, too.” 

That was… hard to take in. “I have a part of me that's like that?” 

“The Dark Sides are stuff you've repressed, kid,” Patton said. “Nobody's built to handle the kinds of messages that society sends out, especially the stuff it's telling you is bad in the same breath. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means you've picked up the same bad thoughts that everyone else did.” 

“Not everybody has those messages taking form in their head, though,” Thomas said.

“Nah, they do,” Patton said. “You're just the only one you know that's aware of it.” 

Thomas looked away, at the black tv, taking it all in. Hatred, Bias, Depression, Deceit, and Anxiety. His dark sides. 

“Why did Deceit and Anxiety decide to keep me in the closet?” He asked after a moment.

Patton reached out and touched Thomas's hand. Thomas looked at him. His face was soft.

“They were trying to protect you,” Patton said. “They're both parts of your self preservation. They didn't want you getting hurt.” 

He sighed. “Virgil told me about it. He said they were afraid of being hurt. Thomas, we grew up in the 90s. Being gay wasn't accepted back then. If you were gay…” 

“I know.” Thomas looked away. “Hate crimes. Police negligence. AIDs. Being rejected by your family. Bad stuff.” 

“Bad stuff,” Patton agreed. “Virgil didn't want you to get hurt. Neither did Deceit, actually. He may be frightening, but he does want the best for you. We just don't agree on what the best for you is.”  Patton shook his head. “They didn't know things would get better.” 

“And when they did, they let me learn?” 

Patton nodded. “They didn’t need to hold you back anymore. They were brave. They let you be yourself.” He sighed, looking away. “I’m grateful for that.”

The doorbell rang. Thomas yelped, twisting in place towards the entrance. Patton covered his mouth as he giggled.

Once Thomas finished his first slice of pizza, he asked, “So what are we gonna do?”

“Take your medication,” Patton waved his pill box around.

Thomas brightened. “Oh, right!” It was going to take him forever to remember to take this new pill with food…

After washing the pills down with his soda, Thomas frowned. “Patton, seriously.” He looked at his Side. His friend. “What are we going to do about Virgil?”

Patton opened his mouth, then shut it. Tears formed in his eyes. “Kiddo…” He sniffed. 

Oh, no. Anything but this. “Patton, I’m sorry, please don’t cry.”

“No, no, it’s fine. It’s-” Patton closed his eyes, waving him away. His voice broke. “I don’t think there’s anything we can do. Not yet.” He twisted his hands. “Logan… he thinks Virgil is going to do something awful. He’s locked away in his room, planning. And Roman?” He laughed and the sound broke Thomas’ heart. “He’s… he’s training. He’s going to fight Virgil, if he has to.” Patton opened his eyes, looking down at the sofa. “I don’t want him to fight…”

Thomas rested a hand on Patton’s shoulder. Patton smiled, and placed his hand on Thomas’s arm, mumbling a thanks. 


End file.
